Gardens of Stone
Joseph Urbas, at home with his motherbefore deployment to Vietnam, 1969
_________________
Ranger wants to discuss Captain's Joseph W. Urbas and James Donald Reid, both Special Forces, both CIB recipients, two old friends now gone in as many years. This is a meditation on their lives and deaths.
Reid lived his military experience every day of his life, right until the end. It seem a bit campy, but I think he was dead serious. For instance, the reading material in his guest bedroom included the entire Program of instruction for SFOC, Improvised Explosives and Incendiaries and the Ranger Handbook. Dissonantly, there was a copy of "Random Acts of Kindness" on the bedside table, courtesy his wife, I'm sure. A picture of him standing over dead bodies graced the wall.
Reid's living room featured a photo of POW Nick Rowe in a bamboo cage. I used to tell Reid, "If I didn't have PTSD when I arrived, I most certainly would when I left." He also kept his 7" SOG Recon knife next to his bed, for reasons I do not need to know.
Urbas was more the serious type. Both were exposed to the carcinogenic defoliant Agent Orange in 1970-71 in the Republic of Vietnam. Reid died of diabetes-related organ failure, and Urbas of oral cancer which spread to his jaw and lymph nodes.
Reid was rated 100% VA service-connected medically disabled, and had Tri-care and VA medical coverage that addressed his medical concerns. The DVA covered Reid's Service-connected illness to an admirable extent; no bitch there.
Joe was another matter. He never received any presumption of service-connection for his cancer. Joe died a poor man, living solely on a VA pension which was less than $800 per month.
Both men smoked incessantly as far back as I can go. Admittedly, exposure to Agent Orange is not a good thing, but why did these healthy, intelligent men engage in a form of long-term suicide by a daily smoking habit?
Why expend medical assets on Reid and Urbas when their actions are so self-destructive? Both were good men, but smoking did not help Reid's diabetes abate, and very possibly caused Joe's too-early demise.
So much of our behavior is self-destructive. Whether a society which allows for deferment of responsibility is to blame, or big bucks advertising depicting the glamorous life to accrue to one via smoking or drinking, or whether our naivete is the cause, we are culpable at bottom for much that happens or doesn't in our lives whether we realize it or not.
Life is a guessing game and one of chance, but excessive high-risk activity is a one-way express ticket to the graveyard. I'm not even sure why I wrote this. Possibly out of frustration seeing friends hasten their own demise.
Reid lived his military experience every day of his life, right until the end. It seem a bit campy, but I think he was dead serious. For instance, the reading material in his guest bedroom included the entire Program of instruction for SFOC, Improvised Explosives and Incendiaries and the Ranger Handbook. Dissonantly, there was a copy of "Random Acts of Kindness" on the bedside table, courtesy his wife, I'm sure. A picture of him standing over dead bodies graced the wall.
Reid's living room featured a photo of POW Nick Rowe in a bamboo cage. I used to tell Reid, "If I didn't have PTSD when I arrived, I most certainly would when I left." He also kept his 7" SOG Recon knife next to his bed, for reasons I do not need to know.
Urbas was more the serious type. Both were exposed to the carcinogenic defoliant Agent Orange in 1970-71 in the Republic of Vietnam. Reid died of diabetes-related organ failure, and Urbas of oral cancer which spread to his jaw and lymph nodes.
Reid was rated 100% VA service-connected medically disabled, and had Tri-care and VA medical coverage that addressed his medical concerns. The DVA covered Reid's Service-connected illness to an admirable extent; no bitch there.
Joe was another matter. He never received any presumption of service-connection for his cancer. Joe died a poor man, living solely on a VA pension which was less than $800 per month.
Both men smoked incessantly as far back as I can go. Admittedly, exposure to Agent Orange is not a good thing, but why did these healthy, intelligent men engage in a form of long-term suicide by a daily smoking habit?
Why expend medical assets on Reid and Urbas when their actions are so self-destructive? Both were good men, but smoking did not help Reid's diabetes abate, and very possibly caused Joe's too-early demise.
So much of our behavior is self-destructive. Whether a society which allows for deferment of responsibility is to blame, or big bucks advertising depicting the glamorous life to accrue to one via smoking or drinking, or whether our naivete is the cause, we are culpable at bottom for much that happens or doesn't in our lives whether we realize it or not.
Life is a guessing game and one of chance, but excessive high-risk activity is a one-way express ticket to the graveyard. I'm not even sure why I wrote this. Possibly out of frustration seeing friends hasten their own demise.
Labels: agent orange, james d. reid, joseph w. urbas, smoking
posted by rangeragainstwar at 3:39 PM
19 Comments:
i imagine that sometimes there is the mindset of "i've dodged all those other bullets, i can probably dodge some more."
the thing remains though, if we are given access to healthcare and treatment it should not be based on value judgements others make on our lifestyle.
when somebody has cancer, no one, ever, should be saying "well, they brought it on themselves." it really doesn't matter after the diagnosis.
either everybody deserves the best available treatment, or nobody does.
having indulged in more than a few high risk behaviors myself, i would certainly be relegated to the dead pile by anyone making moral code assesments of my lifestyle.
the way things in our society have been going lately, maybe that's not the worst pile to end up in.
i'm sorry for the loss of your friends...... they probably couldn't help their bad habits one way or another. things like smoking and drinking are very addictive and even when people are in imminent danger, they hang onto their habits because it is part of them...... more afraid of letting go of the bottle or cigarette than they are of death itself.....
did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts, hot ashes for a cool breeze.....
I see it all the time; patients who have COPD or various forms of cancer and continue to smoke. You walk into any hospital entrance and you'll pass through a haze of cigarette fog. Had a 59-year-old bloke a couple weeks ago, new diagnosis of lung CA that had spread to the bones, lit up in his room WITH THE O2 CANNULA IN HIS NOSE!!!! and burned off the left side of his mustache and part of his beard in the resulting flare-up. (Not on my shift, thank goodness.)
It's because most humans are oriented toward short-term pleasure, not long-term consequences. It's how we're wired. Not all of us -- some are the kinds that put money aside for years to make a downpayment on a house, or slowly pay off the college loans instead of going out drinking (like we did in college.)
But one thing I learned when I was a nurse in prison is that people have different time horizons. It was amazing to me that inmates would just do what they felt like doing NOW! with no thought that hey, if you hit this guy who's with this gang, the rest of the gang is going to come looking for you in less than an hour. Many of us take our foresight for granted, but it's far from universal.
So if somebody wants that brain-clearing feeling they get from a smoke, they do it. The inevitable death, gasping for air like a boated fish, the pain that never lets up when the CA gets into your bones... That's in the future, which people can barely imagine emotionally.
Maybe it makes no sense to you, because you're naturally forward-looking. I think if any of us could get truly INSIDE someone else's head, and feel how they think, we'd be amazed at how different their psychological vibe is to ours.
Bukko,
Thanks for your informed reply. I've seen you speak of your hospital experience elsewhere, and it is always eye-opening. We have another reader whose sister is a nurse in a prison population.
It is hard for me to imagine a willfully self-destructive person. There are always those who do not know better, but presumably (though not necessarily) doctors do give directives about what patients ought and ought not do.
MB probably has some of it right when he says people have a sense of invincibility, combined with the idea that they are strong enough to commence their withdrawal at any time in the future.
Like you say, to wander other's minds would be illuminating. For one who is forward-thinking, the thought of living in a bottle (backward-looking) is stifling. Another might cherish life, whereas his friend may be ready to cash out. There are so many ways to exists, so many ways to live.
ghost dansing,
A lovely video, thanks.
MB, I'm not being judgemental only questioning the choices we make. I totally agree with your assessment but i do have personal issues and concerns at play here. For example your cmts are on target BUT once one is diagnoser and then continues the behavior WHILE/AFTER beingf treated escapes me- that is why transplant recipients are screened. Or i hope they are.
Reid never exercised, smoked excessively, didn't regulate his diet and then he smoked some more.I'm at a loss to deal with this- especially since his wife is the chief nurse at the B'ham Al. DVA Hospital.This has always confused me - but then again i would've supported his decision to check out with a 1911.I guess this is my problem to resolve.
Joe had no DVA SC disabilities that i knew.His treatment must have been Medicaid, and it seems there was some bitterness about his treatment at the Cleveland clinic BUT i want to believe they gave him a fair shot.My last discussion with him indicated this is true.
The death of both is a microcosm of the whole.One MUST wonder what ALL these men would've been without war as a central theme of their lives. jim
Ghost Dansing,
You slipped the Pink Floyd line in here. I feel deficient in not using it myself BECAUSE it fits exactly perfectly in this essay. Thanks for the thought.
My quitting drinking and smoking was a matter of mind control- i simply developed a mantra-this will kill you as surely as a bullet!And this helped.We sure did dodge the bullet.
I personally quit drinking when a friend of mine drowned b/c he was so drunk he didn't know he was drowning. That was 81/Ft. Riley Ks and his name was Maj. Tim Schlosser- a 2 tour VN vet AND booze killed his ass.So much for that.
jim
MB, i must add a correction- Jim's wife is/was the chief DIABETIC nurse in the facility noted. jim
bukko, your prison experience seems to reflect what is happening daily in society. We seem unable/unwilling to defer gratification.This is the basis of our problems. Or my view of our problems.
I sure would like to visit your country. jim
So sorry about your friends, Jim. I think two different things are operative in what is termed "self-destructive behaviors" like smoking...or eating certain things. For some, I think it actually is a slow and unconsciously deliberate suicide method; but for others it is, I believe, the final line in the sand. People who lose portions of themselves and their lives finally lock onto a "all that, but nothing more" mentality, I think---for some it is the smokes, for others it is a favorite alcohol. It isn't actually trying to be self-destructive at all, it is the last hold of self-determination in a world that is determining damned near everything else.
labrys,
Yours is an excellent insight.
Everyone suffers the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune (and we all get them) differently. Some draw the line sooner than others and build and inhabit that fortress within which they are the masters.
However, as our new photographer friend Zoriah so eloquently shot it recently, the jailers are every bit unfree as those they would jail.
once, in the middle of a long road tour, we were sitting in yet another denny's in yet another faceless nameless town somewhere along I-10. i told the waitress
i'd like the suicide slam.
she said:
what sugar?
i said:
the suicide slam, you know, eggs, toast, a pistol.
my own exposure to agent orange was either unknown, classified, or unnoticed until i received an "oh, by the way lad" letter in 92.
i trundled down to the VA, figuring that's where the docs who know that stuff hang, and had a workup done. no signs or symptoms, so far. . .
labrys, Kurt Vonnegut called this a long drawn out form of acceptable suicide.And he should certainly know. jim
Ranger and Lisa...after posting that and working on my daily reading assignment, I came across the almost identical idea in a book by Paula Gunn Allen (The Sacred Hoop). She was discussing literary themes in books by Amerindians, and how alienation plays a part in self-destructive behaviors from drinking to suicide by cop. And I think we all know how many vets return and find only alienation waiting.
labrys,
I'm so glad you shared this theme of alienation. Sometimes, there are no coincidences, and your reading dovetails nicely with this post.
labrys, i always asked Reid why he was so rabid military when in fact the army didn't return his love.He said that it was the happiest time of his life - i pointed out that today should be the happiest day of life. He did not agree AND i have trouble following my own advice. jim
Lisa -- yes, I am thinking a LOT about alienation in all its forms lately.
Jim -- well, which of us can say we have never loved someone/thing that didn't really love us back as we needed? And then, being ethically very Kantian, and the military talking "duty" so much....you can see how it could go that way for myself and others similarly afflicted?
I was in Vietnam in 1967-1968 as a 91-D..Enough said.. I have spent my life since in cardiology research, and 20 years at UC Davis Department of Cardiovascular Medicine in Electrophysiology. I have seen friends fall in war and in peace. I have myself, fallen. It is good to hear such thoughtful comments from caring people. I beleive addiction is a familiar blanket which one holds onto to comfort that which is deeper than physical self. A famous philosopher once said, "Perhaps it is possible to commit suicide in self-defense..."
VfPeace,
I'm glad you found us.
I believe Socrates was said to have opined that man never moves against his own true nature, or would not aim to cause harm to self, and yet we see it all about us. Why? Intentional blindness, calling a "bad" a "good", cognitive dissonance. The list is endless.
Destruction seems hardwired into the human animal's psyche, no?
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