When I'm 64: Lessons

He'd like to have a gun just to keep him warm
Because violence here is a social norm
You've got to humanize yourself
--Rehumanize Yourself, The Police

I wanna talk about me
Wanna talk about I
Wanna talk about number one
--I Wanna Talk About Me, Toby Kieth

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
--Honesty, Billy Joel
_______________

So what have I learned after 64 years of living? Here are my lessons:

• Never trust a thin-lipped woman

• Always plan your escape route

• Always have a gun within reasonable distance

• Never pick up women in a bar. Coffee shops are permissable, if a waiver is granted

• Always wear your poncho

• Avoid giving advice on emotional topics. Stick to facts

• Listen to the sub-text rather than the words

• You can start rumors, but never listen to them

• Never lie (unless it helps your career.)

• Never bad-mouth associates (unless it helps your career)

• Most of what you hear is self-serving at best; lies, at worst

• Never eat in a restaurant called "Mom's"

• Never eat in a restaurant with pictures on the menu

• Never eat in a restaurant that was once a gas station

• Do not trust unreasonable people

• Do not trust reasonable people

• Never commit all of your assets; always maintain a reserve

• Maintain the chain of command (except when it's necessary to ignore the chain of command)

• Cut the sears on all your weapons for a clean, crisp break

• Keep a good stock weld on your rifle

• Breathe and relax before you fire

• Never use violence, unless you have to

• Always leave a crummy movie, regardless of the reviews

• Remain silent

• Never buy a car from a guy named "Preacher"

• Don't tell people what to do -- tell them what you are going to do

• Don't over-supervise

• Don't mistake movement for progress