Turn the Page

"It's vile," said now-fallen Florida Representative Mark Foley back in 1998, commenting on then-President Clinton's liaison with White House intern Monica Lewinsky. After reading that seemingly hypocritical disgust, a thought occurred to me in a flight of fancy: Rep. Foley is much misunderstood.

He is only carrying on a time-worn tradition in Western culture, namely, that of the mentor-boy relationship. In our heteronormative culture, he will never get the chance to voice his feelings, but here is how I envision the untold part of the story to go.

If you will permit a trifle on our generally serious site, what follows is the rest of the untold story:

Foley: "When I said it was vile...I meant it was not virile. Clinton was not representing the best of the warrior-king tradition when he busied himself with such fripparies as a Monica Lewinsky, which is why I also said it was more sad than anything else. He was positioned to serve as a leader in a productive liaision, but unfortunately, diverted his sexual energies onto a female.

"As a representative of the Republican party, I ally myself with the Hellenic warrior-statesman model. As such, I pursue the cross-generational paradigm. The young man, embodied by the page, is a potential leader, who must be steered correctly via the example of the best military heroes of Sparta, Thebes and Crete. What I am engaged here is nothing less than a project of pederastic pedagogy. "

Foley also argues that, in a "cultural immersion approach," He aimed to know his enemy, namely, the Persians, who also have a venerable history of men-boy unions.

Says Foley, "The bottom line is, I am honoring a long tradition of boy companions in the Western military tradition. Too often in the West we are behind the power curve, seen as bringing up the rear, as it were. By my mentoring actions, I aim to honor both our opponent's and our own venerated histories. Just spreading a bit of goodwill--bonhomie--as well as imparting some tutelage to a lucky chap."

I don't usually make low blows, but this story fairly screamed out for explication. It is giving the devil his due, and I know the Republicans will work hard to disappear Foley from our radar ASAP.

--Lisa