To Die For

--Damon Winter/The New York Times
(fr. obamamessiah)

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil:
For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory,
for ever. Amen.
--Matthew 6:13, KJV

It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle,
than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God
--Matthew 19:24
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As the health care vote awaits, and Easter approaches, we felt it was time to revisit the Greatest Story Ever Told (As Health Vote Awaits, Future of a Presidency Waits, Too.) This is an update of the Bible, modern, American-style.

In our New Rapacious American Version [NRAV], Jesus does not drive the money changers from the temple, but instead institutes a Divinely-Ordained Stimulus Package to enhance their ability to become more profitable, thereby ensuring their unquestioned devotion to God. The seeds of omertà were sown in this act.

The new Ranger-approved hermeneutics reveals the money changers to be the actual inheritors of the Kingdom, as Mammon once again regains his rightful position at the top of the worshipful pyramid. The money changers' stimulus includes generous bailouts and bonuses, which make them so profitable that they later go offshore and set up shop in Rome.

Jesus himself receives a large monetary bonus -- a peace dividend -- and He will therefore no longer be required to die for our sins. Like the money changers, He has become Too Big To Fail. This is meet, as none of our sins are original enough to die for.

The 2010 NRAV will, however, have Jesus ultimately dying for Universal Health Care. God will sacrifice His only begotten for the benefit of insurance companies and the Greater Welfare of Man. A few hours on the Cross are worth good health care, especially if it's free. This was prognosticated in Time magazine and other outlets, which showed a gold halo effect around Barack Obama's head during the presidential elections.

On a sad note, mankind will be no more enlightened for the sacrifice, and Pringles Cheeseburger and Onion Blossom Restaurant Cravers, Wendy's Baconator Triple and Doritoes X-Flavor Chips will top their list of preferred food items by 2015. All the usual sinning and mayhem will also continue unabated.

Forgive our heresy, but Ranger finds it hard to believe in a God that thinks man is worth any sacrifice. He should have kept his Son for better projects.