These Colors Don't Run

Camping on the prairie
Plays havoc with my hair.
Makes me feel quite dirty,
Though we all do sometimes
--I Wanna Be A Cowboy,
Boys Don't Cry

But someday I'm sure your gonna know the cost
Cause for everything you win
there's something lost
--Everything That Glitters (Is Not Gold),
Dan Seals

Like a rhinestone cowboy
Riding out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo
Gettin' cards and letters from people I don't even know
And offers comin' over the phone
--Rhinestone Cowboy, Glen Campbell

Why don't you make arrangements
to take our hovercraft to Medieval World,
Roman World and Westworld.
Contact us today, or see your travel agent.
Boy, have we got a vacation for you.
--Westworld (1973)
__________________

The title is a favorite line of the patriotic sort of American supporting the U.S.'s endless wars. Maybe not, but they sure do bleed out.

This is dedicated to the National Rifle Association, and specifically its little brother affiliate, the Single Action Shooting Society (SASS) -- a group that is oh-so-Amurican, claiming as it does to represent our national cowboy character and values. Ranger once belonged to SASS but resigned his membership over multiple ideological conflicts.

SASS conducts weekend fantasy matches which take their cue from Western fictional films like True Grit and Outlaw Josey Wales. They begin with a invocation to Jesus, much like might be heard at the start of a Jay-Vee football game in Louisiana. The prayer thanks God for our soldiers fighting to protect our rights (with no mention of the Supreme Court's regular impingement upon said rights. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.)

After they done prayed it is time to suit up for the match, which requires two Single Action handguns, a lever-action pistol cartridge rifle/carbine and a double barrel shotgun or pre-1898 pump action or lever-action shotgun with exposed hammer. Oh, and a colorful and starched neckerchief, like those worn by fancy show dogs.

Per the Handguns: The really cool guys shoot COLTS pistols, but unfortunately they are now made in Italy (only assembled in the USA.) Most folks shoot Rugers that are made and marketed in the U.S., but the steel is sourced internationally -- hey, it's close enough for country. The rest shoot Ubertis -- Italian or Brazilian replicas.

Per the Rifles: Only the Marlin 1894 is made in America; all others are made in Japan, Brazil, Argentina, Italy or some other furrin' place. The rifles marketed as Winchesters are made in Japan, also. The Italian rifles dominate the field. welcome to the New Wild West, thank you Aldo Uberti (spaghetti Westerns weren't just whistlin' Dixie.)

Per the Shotguns: Usually low-quality doubles and replicas of the 1897 and 1887 Winchesters, usually made in China or some other foreign nation. Welcome to the O.K. Corral!

Let's talk Ammo: You have your choice of Fioricci, Aguila, PMC, etc. -- Italian, Mexican, Philipino or Korean. There is U.S.-made Remington or Winchester ammo but domestic is usually much more expensive, so foreign production is usually used. Did you say, Get Outta Dodge?

Accouterments: The guns are carried in holsters made in Mexico or some other diarrhea-ridden locale. (Some folks use costly U.S.-made rigs, but they are the minority.) The replica clothes are usually foreign-made, sweatshop specials, from Honduras, Bangladesh, Guatemala, etc. The underwear is seldom made anywhere NEAR the OLDE West, and the fibers are less-than-natural.

Shooting glasses and ear protection are usually Chinese-made. This is so we don't have to see that 40% of our money is borrowed from Communist China, a country that has killed a few good American soldiers in its time, whether directly (in Korea) or indirectly via arms, munitions and training for the VietCong/NVA. Also remember that that the entire Chinese defense budget is paid for by the interest on the U.S. Treasury notes held by the Chinese government. Oh yeah -- and not a few tchotchkes purchased by the True Blue SASS crowd. God Bless America!

The timers are from Germany or Japan, where things run on time. The targets are made from foreign steel and the target plates spray-painted with Chinese paint, courtesy Walmart at .97/can. The cowboy hats are cheap woolen knock-offs, as a Resistol or Stetson 10x beaver is rather pricey these days; the upside is, it keeps all the mad hatters South of the Border.

The range flags are made in China and I'll bet even money that the group's mouthpiece --The Cowboy Chronicle -- is printed on imported paper. I'll even bet the official SASS badges are also made somewhere other than the old West.

After the match the participants have an ersatz cotillion, with dinner eaten on plates from China and music played through foreign sound systems, where many women endeavor to strike a pose as Miss Kitty-cum-Beyonce. The bands are using foreign-made acoustic instruments with Chinese pick ups and strings made in Mexico.

While the hardcore faux cowboys are toying with fancy guns, firing live ammunition and spending money at the concessionaires, it is hard to picture the actual nastiness that our soldiers are actually perpetrating on a daily basis.

Praise the Lord and pass the foreign ammunition.

--by Jim and Lisa