Retrograde

She's got a competition clutch with the four on the floor
And she purrs like a kitten till the Lake pipes roar
And if that ain't enough to make you flip your lid
There's one more thing, I got the pink slip, Daddy
--Little Deuce Coupe, Beach Boys

Oh lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz ?
My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends.
Worked hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends,
So lord, wont you buy me a Mercedes Benz ?
--Mercedes Benz, Janis Joplin

I ran over some old lady
One night at the county fair
And I didn't get arrested
Because my dad's the mayor
--Bitchin' Camero, Dead Milkmen
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In the past few weeks we've happened upon some auto visuals which explain some of today's problems.

The first shows a classic 1960's Mini next to a 2003 version. The 60's car looks like a toy, though it is next to its modern version which itself is sometimes described as a soapbox derby car. In comparison, today's Mini looks positively palatial.

Next, Ranger's Mini Clubsman -- the "wagon" version of the Mini -- is seen next to a Cadillac SUV Escalade. Now, the modern "big" Mini looks like a tyke's car, dwarfed as it is by the luxury SUV which permits its owners to move up ("escalate"?) through society.

The 60's Mini got over 45 m.p.g; the new Minis get 27-42 m.p.g, depending upon engine configuration and driving conditions. The modern Minis run at 116-175 horsepower, where the Cadillac SUV is a hulking 430 HP with 12-18 m.p.g. (on a great day). [As an aside, Mini has an electric version and a 95 horsepower version available, but only in Europe. The reasoning is that Americans won't buy an underpowered fuel efficient car, so says the Mini maniacs.]

It seems the U.S. car market is moving in the wrong direction.

Shouldn't our vehicles be getting more fuel efficient rather than less? Driving gas hogs ensures a tether to the crazy Middle East, and petroleum-generated locomotion will be outmoded eventually. Why aren't we innovating, versus designing new grilles?

We won't look to Eminem for an explanation.

Firing on All Cylinders

Jesus built my car
it's a love affair
mainly Jesus and my hot rod
--Jesus Built my Hotrod, Ministry

As I was motivatin' over the hill
I saw Maybelline in a Coupe de Ville
Cadillac rollin' on an open road
But nothin' outrun my V8 Ford
--Maybelline, Jerry Lee Lewis

When I take her to the track she really shines
(Giddy up giddy up 409)
She always turns in the fastest times
(Giddy up giddy up 409)
My four speed dual quad posi-traction 409
--409, Beach Boys

I got me a car, it's as big as a whale
and we're headin' on down
To the Love Shack
I got me a Chrysler, it seats about 20
--Love Shack, B-52's

I have a great love and respect for religion,
great love and respect for atheism.
What I hate is agnosticism,
people who do not choose
--Orson Welles
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America has always had a great love affair with its cars. The dismal state of auto manufacturing in the U.S. today has caused Ranger's brain to hum like the fine-tuned Cleveland-built engines of yore.

As a young man, we ran in GTO's, Chevy 409's, 389 cubic inch Pontiacs, 327 Hi-performance, and we worked in factories. We both produced the machines, and rode them hard. We were firing on 8-cylinders, big, powerful and fast.

Today, U.S. and Japanese manufacturers produce variable computer-controlled 6- and 8-cylinder vehicles which can be run on as few as three cylinders for fuel efficiency's sake. What it boils down to is, we pay for 8 cylinders because we want access to the power, but choose to shut down five to save gas. Here we are in 2010, and we can't even decide whether we want power or efficiency.

What is the point of financing a a bigger engine's manufacturing and maintenance if it's power isn't being used? We waffle, and suffer in the purgatorio of indecision.

Ranger drives a 116-hp Mini Cooper, 35 daily mpg. The other vehicle is a Cooper S, 174-hp, which gets 24 mpg on a good day, and if real gas is imbibed rather than crummy ass 10%+ ethanol. Both Coopers top out at 130 mph. So, why are fuel-efficient vehicles like the Cooper even 116-hp at 1596 cc? Why not 90-hp, at 1200 cc, or even 75-hp, with corresponding gas savings?

Why do we need the 175+-hp monsters we drive daily? Even the Hondas, Toyotas and Volvos exceed the requirements. The problem isn't Detroit; we are the problem. We demand power, even though it is not used or needed.

Yes, it's good to see the arrogant day of the Hummer gone, but there is so much more that could be done. Why isn't it?