Battle of the Bulge

Hudson Valley Grade A Duck Foie Gras
(fr. dartagnon.com)
$109.99 per 1.8 lbs.

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[Addendum to From Twinkies to Fuel]:

Lipofuel is actually a serious proposition, and quite reasonable, once we get over ourselves.

One of its major attractions is that it's fully renewable, especially if it were possible to re-mine living sources. In the distant future when we have depleted other extant sources of fuel we will see that re-purposing our own "waste" matter will be a logical decision, and will be divested of any prurient scatological associations.

Much as with electric cars, the people whose fat is farmed might submit to periodic suctionings. Obviously, they would incur no cost for the liposurgery, and as a donor they would enjoy the very lucrative benefit of grazing copiously and being able to shed themselves of their avoirdupois as it became burdensome. Each may divine the line of sloth for himself, and decide whether the transgression can actually be transmogrified into a good.

Lipo would no longer be relegated to the back rooms of shady plastic surgeons but could become a perfected art, the domain of top surgeons and not just inferior pimple doctors. There would be no more jokes about "did she or didn't she"; yes -- she did give to her country, much as a blood or plasma donor does today. Instead of a little blood drop stick pin, a little golden fat globule to wear proudly, like the "I Voted" sticker.

Perhaps not to you, but to some people, that freedom to graze would be felt as a great blessing. For those amongst us who are weight-challenged, the battle of the bulge can become a debilitating daily fixation. The types of diets are legion, and sadly, science is telling us that once grown the fat cell never returns to a slimmer state. For the person who has shed weight, her newly lean cells are simply fat ones in hiding --imposter thin cells -- ready to chow down on any calories thrown their way. Ingest all the Conjugated Linoleic Acid (CLA) or Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (HGC) you may, a fat cell is a "fat" cell. It will always have space to grow.

Rather than occupying space as inert lumpen who may only use their minds or physical exertion to produce meaningful results, why not farm the last readily-accessible frontier -- the human body -- and allow people to produce? Why can we only accept organ donation upon death? Why these odd lines? If organ harvesting is for a good purpose, then so tissue farming (blood is a "tissue").

Unfortunately, humans are wont to ideate and fall into the slippery-slope fallacy that if fat were farmed from corpses -- and perhaps willing live donors -- than it is just a hop away to breeding humans who would sit inertly in a lab and be force-fed like like geese to produce fois gras, except they would be sucked of their fat.

Here is a perhaps vulgar thought question, but what is so different from the human who goes from cubicle to home office, sitting before a screen all day and ingesting chips and soda which the body converts to fat, and the immobile goose force fed to produce its succulent fois gras?

We think nothing of re-producing offspring -- expulsing genetic material into the world. Why not put some of our inert matter to good use? Instead of having it sit in front of Facebook 24/7, give a little back to the world.

If we think nothing of mining the liquified remains of long-dead animals processed naturally, then why not our own?

From Twinkies to Fuel

--Human adipose tissue

It's people.
Soylent Green is made out of people
--Soylent Green (1973)

Lay on, Macduff,
And damn'd be him that first cries,
'Hold, enough!'
--Macbeth, Shakespeare

Some folk built like this, some folk built like that
But the way I'm built, you shouldn't call me fat
Because I'm built for comfort, I ain't built for speed
But I got everything all the good girls need
--Built for Comfort, Willie James Dixon

I've seen every blue-eyed floozy on the way
But their beauty and their style
Went kind of smooth after a while
Take me to them lardy ladies every time
--Fat-Bottomed Girls, Queen
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A loyal reader asked that we might lighten up a bit, so in keeping with Ranger's challenge to the politically-correct of the world, he proposes a new green initiative based on his observations of people and their ever-present need for fuel: Render their fat upon their expiration.

Human fat -- adipose tissue -- could be sourced from both the living and the dead to manufacture any number of products, much as whale tallow keeps entire societies alive. Perhaps the thought of rubbing it on your skin as an emollient is unpleasant, though many pay dearly to do just that with human placenta.

The urge for the fountain of youth is a powerful motivator. Geraldo Rivera had his buttock fat injected into his face for a more comely appearance (the jury is still out). The poet William Butler Yeats had monkey testes implanted in his scrotal sac in his quest for potency in his twilight years (though some argue they were goat testes.) Sometimes, one just needs a little push to mount the hill of resistance, and vanity is one of those.

But forget vanity as the lead motivator. Fuel to power our motoring needs could be the primary use. America is slap filled with fat people: The Centers for Disease Control says about one-third of us are obese, which the CDC defines as having a Body Mass Index (BMI) of 30 or higher; another third of us are overweight, making for a gravy train of adipose. If their fat were to be rendered, we would have an excellent source for bio fuel.

IN fact, Beverly Hills liposuction doctor C. Alan Bittner, M.D. did just that (Forbes reported on it in 2008). Dr. Bittner removed the unwanted fat from his patients, processed it, and used the resulting biodiesel "to fuel his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator." That's a lot of fuel consumption, and he introduced his success to the world at his now-defunct website, lipodiesel.com.

Unfortunately, California had a legal proscription against using "medical waste" for fuel purposes, and the good doctor is reported to have fled the country. (Maybe not such a good doctor, as he also tended to "over-render his patients," making for a lumpy result). Can't get greedy.

The time for creating truly sustainable energy resources is now. How can anyone get excited about the thought that fracking might provide 100 years of fuel? OK -- what then? "Oh, I'll be dead, then", y'say? Well, part of life is aspiring not to leave it much more effed up than when you entered it.

Fuel is but one possibility: cosmetics, soaps (the Nazis innovated that), enviro-friendly candles -- every petroleum-based product could be tweaked to use this seemingly limitless resource (well, not in Somalia, maybe.) Reports of a Peruvian black market for human fat erupted in 2009, and then disappeared from the news. Were the Peruvians doing something beyond selling the fat to fancy European cosmetic manufacturers?

Rendering people's corpulence would make of them national assets, rather than the butt of jokes, and give them much-needed self-esteem before they enter our gas tanks. The Hurley's of the world would give far out of proportion to their person and as such would be saluted, rather than maligned. Wanna stop bullying? Render the hefties! From Twinkies and margarine back into fuel source -- this is the miracle we have been waiting for.

The benefits would spread everywhere: As they would be corporally leaner at death, the donator's caskets or vaults could be made smaller, for instance. This would be an apres-death reduction of their carbon footprint. Although one of the 12-Step programs could be eliminated, that would still leave many other 12-step programs at which the predatory may hook up with the stability-challenged of the world. (And there are always yoga classes and the Self Help section of the bookstore, if any of those survive the Kindle.)

It's time we get over being squeamish over our bodily emanations. Landfills, barges, tugboats and mountains have hid our waste for some time, but as we and our waste products multiply, the day of not seeing is nigh upon us.

Devastatingly large and toxic "garbage islands" exists in the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans. The Eastern Pacific Garbage patch is twice the size of Texas. C'mon, people, time to face the music and pay the piper!

A recent update on Swift's Modest Proposal from WaPo's humorist Alexandra Petri suggested eating old people (Eat the elderly! Except Warren Buffett. He knows where they hid the money. Sure, they’re old. They’re wrinkly and taste sort of gamy, with a hint of talcum powder), but we think food production is not as threatened as fuel sources.

We are not ready for pure cannibalism, but we have been cannibalizing (sourcing) parts of the human body for a while now. This is simply an extension of being an organ donor; tissue harvesting already occurs.

This is no time to stand on fallow ethics or haughty revulsion. Ranger's proposal is a win-win for all.

--Jim and Lisa

[see "Battle of the Bulge" for concluding thoughts.]

Wide Load

A got a whole lotta for you
A got a whole lotta for you
I got a whole lotta kisses for you
--Whole Lotta Lovin', Fats Domino

Idle hands are the devil's playthings

Too much of a good thing
Will turn your whole world upside down
--Too Much of a Good Thing, Bon Jovi

Well, twirl my turban, man alive!
Here comes Mister Five by Five
He's one of those big fat bouncing boys
Solid avoirdupois!
--Mister Five by Five, Ella Mae Morse
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Where Ranger is more nuts (and bolts), Lisa takes a more holistic view of world events, with a particular interest in evolutionary biology.

Forgive the juxtaposition; like we've said before, it's not all guns and roses at Ranger. Sometimes, we must show you the ugly (under)belly to capitalism. While perusing the photos on the desktop of a photographer friend's computer, the above two photos by chance were side by side. I could not fail but make the connection.

The picture begets the question: How fit are humans for their environment? Birds have always seemed like such staunch denizens of the air, always industrious and vigilant, and they sing when Spring comes. But humans, not so much.

Now, many of us are carrying around a few extra pounds, but we are talking something else here -- morbid obesity. Recent statistics say one-third of your fellows are clinically obese; 63% are overweight. At some point, one must say, that is one Mars Bar too far; na ga da. Up to one-third of children and adolescents qualify as overweight. Is there not enough to do in their world?

Some say obesity is a "disease triggered by a food-rich, activity-scarce environment in people who are genetically susceptible to weight gain" (The Obesity Crisis: Americans' Bodies are Out of Balance.)" Pretty much all of us will pack on weight if we indulge in rich foods and don't move much. As adult-onset diabetes is triggered by a lifetime of eating a high-glycemic index, high sugar diet featuring a genetic predisposition, then so is obesity triggered by partaking in "food-rich and activity-scarce."

That is not to say eating well is easy, and high carb/high calorie fare is often cheap. And if you are working a factory job standing in line all day, that doesn't offer much opportunity for overcoming "activity scarcity." Part of the answer may be a workplace revolution which recognizes the benefit to having fit and energized employees. We eschew the regimentation of the Japanese workplace, but maybe some morning Tai Chi might help matters.

A sign at my orthopedist's office says, "If you are over 350 lbs, please do not sit on the chairs." I asked why, and the receptionist said it was a liability issue; a chair had collapsed from beneath a patient, and they wanted to avoid a future incident.

These patients are having joints replaced and ligaments repaired. Can you imagine the strain on those hinges? As I sat and watched, I observed many came lumbering in like the character Hurley in the t.v. show Lost, or in wheelchairs. My sympathies go out to all in distress, but I wondered, what is happening to allow this avoirdupois?

These souls will not be captaining a militia anytime soon.